Wow its been a while...
So I just got shot.
No, not physically shot.
A spirtual shot.
A wake-up call if you will.
Latley I have been really struggaling with my call. Going into ministry is the only thing I've seen myself doing. But I have started to get anxious about my future. Is the church really going in the right direction? Will I make enough money to support my family? Am I going ot fit into a ministry setting? If I am a methodist elder, how will moving around effect my (hopefully eventual) family? This had started getting to a point where I decided that I was no longer going to go into ministry. I didn't tell anyone this, but it is what I felt.
However, God started talking.
It started with my girlfriend, who, at times, has a much better perspective on life than I, saying, when I told her that I was thinking this, said, "I don't want you to give up your dreams for material gain." At this point it had gotten so bad that I almost just shook it off. However, deep in my heart, I felt smethign screaming saying "YOU IDIOT!!!! SHE IS RIGHT!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!" That voice was too distant to listen to though.
The next occurance happened when I talked to a VERY wise professor, who happens to have a lot of expereince on this issue, and who also just happened to be my advisor. I told her what I was thinking, and she acted kinda shocked. She walked me through what it would take to get into Human Resources (the new career path I was looking at). She also listened to me talk about my issues with becoming a pastor, and said she saw my opinions and my reasonings on all my points. She told me one thing though that caught my off guard. "Bryce, you shouldn't dismiss the idea of being in ministry, because you have such a heart and personality for it, you could think about ministry in other ways besides being a pastor." That same voice came back, this time saying "Alright, now she's saying it, she validated how you are feeling, but are you really going to give up on this?"
Then, I went into the Career Development Center to talk about how to get a HR internship. The person I was talkin gto had all sorts of contacts and possiblities for me. It was quite amazing to see the possiblities. However, my heart was burning, and all I could think was "this isn't right...this isn't right...this isn't right..." it just did not feel right. The only time it gelt even close to right was when she suggested doing an HR internship in a church. Voice: "Are you ready to accept this yet?"
Finally, just 30 minutes ago, I was sitting at my house in Burlington, and for some reason, a memory, that has seemed to become more and more distant as the days have gone past, I went back to Youthfront. I remembered the worship services, I thought of the people, staff and campers. Then I remembered the connection I had with the Lord. I had to listen to the music again. So I listend to "Search Me" by Mike Crawford and His Secret Siblings.
That is when it happened.
I was shot.
With a shot of realization.
"Search me and know my heart, Oh God, test me and know my anxious thoughts"
Everythign came back. God knows my heart. He knows who I am. And for the majority of my recent life, I have felt called to a mission. That is where my heart is. My heart is to go into ministry. Material gains or not, it is what I am called to do.
What does this mean for me?
Well...I really need to find a summer ministry job. I've applied at one place so far, but I really need to find other possibilties too. I want to learn, I want to be shapened, because ministry is what I want to do. It is the life I am called to. I do not know excatley what kind of ministry that is. It might be pastor, it might be something else, but it is my call, and now I need to start figuring it out.
